Book 14: The Perilous Pirates
by HannibalBarcaReborn
Summary: Beatrice Jr meets Lemony and tells him of the travails which the Baudelaires endured at the hands of the Pirates. A shady figure watches the bar. There will be sequels. Two important notices. Someone with the initials JS sending messages to Lemony. The World is not Quiet Here. For more information, read the introduction.
1. Chapter One

Note: This work is mostly based off of the TV show, but for simplicity and just because I want to, I'll give you a time and place, according to my accounting, of where the story takes place. The city is Boston (taken from the film) and the year the Bad Beginning takes place is 1956. Just for reference, as certain characters will discuss dates, both present and past, and there will be discussion of events taking place, e.g. Wars, pacts, and a Nuclear blast that almost caused World War 3. There will be certain major changes in the lives of the Baudelaire orphans now, as they rediscover their past, meet more family friends, a "dead" man, and attend the VFD school. Also note that there will be far more Jewish references throughout, so if you don't want, don't read.

 **The Perilous Pirates**

 **Book 14**

 **For Beatrice-**

 **My niece is alive with me.**

 **My sister is dead with you.**

 **Chapter 1**

(Or you can just watch the last five minutes of Season 3 episode 2 and skip to the second chapter)

My name is Lemony Snicket.

In the 53 years I have spent on this earth, for some reason of which I am not quite certain, there are countless young boys I have met who wish to become Pirates - a word which here means people who like to drink, smoke, curse, and wear fancy clothes, all at the same time. However, for some reason, few young girls ever want to become Pirates. Perhaps it just doesn't appeal to them.

However, in Finland in the 15th century, a group of young ladies who had had enough of the nonexistance of women's rights those days took some weapons, stole a boat, and put out to sea.

Living at sea can be tricky, and whenever I see the sea, I'm reminded of the day that I was lost at sea, with only water as far as the eye could see, my spyglass fell into the depths of the sea, and I had Verdant Flammable Device that was too waterlogged to light. That day, my life was saved by a rope, a plastic bag, a salmon, a piece of chewing gum, and a raft of Lucky Smells planks I painstakingly lashed together. If I learned one lesson that day, it was that Salmon are stronger if Voluntarily Fish Domesticated.

However, if you are lost at sea, it is more likely that you will meet some very unpleasant (read: terrifying) characters, who are almost guaranteed to ruin your day, such as pirates, sharks, or egocentric tourists, a term which here means people from somewhere else that care only about themselves.

The tale you are about to read is not a cheerful one, full of the grand adventures of the Baudelaire orphans and their young charge, but a sad, woeful tale dragged out by a depressed narrator.

The only thing worse than a sad woeful tale, dragged out by a depressed adult narrator, is a sequel to said sad woeful tale dragged out by a depressed ten-year old girl who has nothing better to do with her life. In this case, you can read both, but nonetheless I will advise you while you still can, please put this book down and go read something less depressing, as stories by depressed ten-year old girls often lead to suicide, insanity, or intense root beer float drinking, which in turn can lead to digestive issues (please don't ask, it's a gloomy and dreary tale of it's own).

I repeat, the tale you are about to read is more gloomy and dreary than any digestive problem, so as a kind man with a good heart, I implore you to take this book and throw it as far away as possible, preferably at the shady figure behind you (unless this is a Library book, in which case you should be careful not to damage it upon contact. Otherwise you will have to pay for it).

I am writing this as I sit in a soda bar, drinking a root beer float and listening to children talk.

Allow me to recount for you what has happened so far today.

The girl in the red hat looked up at me from her seat as I entered the shop.

"Mr. Snicket?" She called. "I'm your niece, Beatrice Baudelaire, the Second. Would you like to hear a story about our family?"

"I would like that very much," I replied, sitting down across from her.

She closed the heavy book in front of her, looked first at it, then at me. I looked at the book. The title read _**An Incomplete History**_. The book was very thick and bound very carefully in black leather, with the title in gold lettering on the cover. The book seemed to have been well cared for, but having had gone through rough times with it's owner. No, I thought, _owners_. I knew that book, I had given the other Beatrice that book to use as a diary thirty-five years back. I told her that it might help her someday, but it apparently didn't. I hoped it had helped her children.

"As you know, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire were intelligent children," she began.

"And they were charming, and resourceful, and had pleasant facial features," I interjected. "They lived with their parents in a mansion in the heart of a busy city."

She looked at me quizzically, a word which here means full of questions and interest. "You know this story," she concluded.

"Parts," I explained.

She thought a moment, and then asked, "Did you hear the part about the Pirates?"

I looked at her quizzically, a word which here again means full of questions and interest. "Pirates?" I asked.

She smiled. "Female Finnish Pirates. It was after we sailed away from the Island, but before their third trip to Briny Beach; Violet had just tied up her hair to invent a steering mechanism, and Klaus was studying tidal charts, when Sunny looked up from the black bean salad she was making and said "Shiver me timbers!" 

**There will be more coming as I write it, stay tuned!**

 **HanninbalBarca out.**


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

The term "Jolly Roger" usually does not refer to a happy man. Rather, it refers to something far more sinister, a word which here means "terrifying and evil". The term specifically refers to a flag of a Pirate ship. Although it is indeed possible for a Jolly Roger to portray a happy man, most often it portrays a skull with two items crossed underneath, usually bones.

The name "Jolly Roger" is believed to be derived, from an Anglicization of the French "Jolie Rouge" or "Pretty Red", as the flags often were dyed red, in some cases, with blood.

I have seen several Jolly Rogers in my life, and while in films they are seemingly "just a flag", when face to face, they are terrifying. However, seeing a Jolly Roger is better than not seeing one, as that means that the pirates have chosen to sneak up behind you rather than show themselves and give you a chance to escape.

In the North Atlantic, there are several pirate crews who are infamous, a word which here means "known by many people as being evil". Pirates can be infamous because they kill, or because they capture people, or because they wear really fancy clothes that aren't theirs. I'm sorry to say, but the pirates that the Baudelaires meet will be infamous for all three.

As I have mentioned before, the Baudelaires sailed away from the Island upon which they had lived for a year, and began their journey back to the city. They hoped that they could find someone who could help them, preferably a VFD member.

About a week into the journey, the children realized that they were traveling in the wrong direction, and landed on a small island nearby to replenish supplies and build the proper navigational equipment to steer back to the mainland.

After dragging the boat on land, and covering it in ivy, Violet tied up her hair and started thinking of the best way to attach a steering mechanism to a compass in order for them to work together.

Klaus carried Beatrice out of _The Beatrice_ , put her on his lap, and opened up one of the books he had brought from the island and began studying tidal charts and maps.

Sunny took out her cooking equipment and began making a black bean salad.

"Pari!" Shrieked Beatrice, which meant something along the lines of "What is that thing over there?"

Sunny looked up, and said, "Shiver me timbers."

Klaus looked up through his spyglass, and dropped it on the ground in shock.

"Violet!" He called. "Sunny! Beatrice! We need to get out of here! Pirates!"

Sure enough, on the sea, not more than half a mile out, was a large ship, which, from the highest mast, flew the Jolly Roger. Rowboats were leaving the ship and heading toward the island.

The Baudelaires and their young charge fled to the hidden location of the boat, climbed inside, and pulled the ivy over it again.

Violet counted thirteen rowboats, each carrying five pirates, which in turn, each carried two small objects Violet couldn't make out. She nudged Klaus, who peeked through the ivy with his spyglass.

"Looks like Shoeboxes," he said. "What would Pirates want with shoeboxes?" He focused the lens, and then said, "There's something written on them, but I can't make it out."

The Pirates headed inland, carrying the shoeboxes very carefully, as if they were full of explosives.

After about twenty minutes, the pirates left the island, and the Baudelaires climbed out of their boat to watch the pirate ship sail away.

To their horror, as they turned around, right behind them was a smaller, rusted, one man model of the _Carmelita_ , the submarine which Olaf had held them captive. The Baudelaires remembered that day very well. They were on a Submarine, searching for the Sugar Bowl, when the _Carmelita_ had captured them. They were forced to go into the Gorgonian Grotto, underneath the ruins of Anwhistle Aquatics. There, they found that the bowl had been taken by a friend, and that Sunny was infected with the Medusoid Mycelium. After suffering slow strangulation and blood poisoning for forty-five minutes, Sunny had been saved by a quick substitution of Wasabi for the usual cure, Horseradish.

"Let's go," Sunny said. "Hide. Arsons here."

Sure enough, the window was shaped like the VFD eye. On the ground, leading into a large group of different types of trees, were footprints of a hobnailed boot.

Klaus looked inside the sub.

"It's empty," He noted.

"Let's follow these footprints," Violet said. "We'll track them down, find out who they are and what they are doing here."

They followed the footprints through the trees to a clearing. Inside, lay the body of a well-dressed young man face-down on the ground. Gripped tightly in his left hand was a staff: the kind used by the fire-starting side of the schism.

Violet knelt down next to him and listened.

"He's breathing." She said. "I think he's asleep."

She turned him over.

"What's this?"

His shirt was covered in brownish-red stains.

"Smells like barbecue sauce."

He opened his eyes.

The Baudelaires jumped back in shock.

"That's because it is barbecue sauce." He said. "That's the last I eat anything with Barbecue sauce for a while. Who are you and what do you want?"

Violet eyed the staff in his hand.

"I'm Veronica Bleediotie and my siblings Klyde and Susie, and my niece Brittany." She said hesitantly. "Who are you?"

"Pleased to meet you," he responded. "My name is Arnold Svenson. And you definitely are not Veronica, Klyde, Susie, and Brittany Bleediotie. You can only be the Baudelaires, as you used the Aliases given to you by the _Daily Punctilio_ , and the surname used in your Cranioectomy."

"Why do you remember that?" Asked Violet.

"Why do you have a staff?" Asked Klaus.

"Why have submarine?" Asked Sunny.

"One and three have the same answer," he responded. "I needed to locate you. Two, I used to be on the fire-starting side of the schism."

He looked over Violet's shoulder, and promptly collapsed in the mud and barbecue sauce on the ground. The Baudelaires looked at each other.

"Well..." Klaus started to say, but was cut off by a voice behind them.

"Eef you don't put yourr hands on yourr heads and turrn arround, I vil soot you trree beforre you can say Molotov Cocktail!"


	3. Chapter three

In Pirate speak, there is a certain phrase which sends fear into the hearts of even the bravest volunteers. That phrase is "walk the plank".

I wish I could tell you that to "walk the plank" meant something safe, such as "standing on a gymnastics balance beam with your eyes closed" or "tightrope walking while carrying a sixty five pound bag of flour". However, the meaning is neither of these wonderful things to do, and instead refers to being bound, blindfolded, beaten, and forced to walk off the edge of a ship, where the sharks below will have a Very Fine Day and cause you lots of Tsuris.

The people most known for forcing people to "walk the plank" are Pirates, as they are notoriously sadistic - two words which here mean "well known for being extremely cruel".

As you know, the Baudelaires were being held at gunpoint in a clearing on an island in the middle of the North Atlantic, without the faintest idea of what was about to happen.

The Baudelaires placed their hands on their heads and turned around, got a good look at their captor, and noticed four things about her.

The first thing they noticed, aside from the gun, was that the person was a teenage girl.

The second was that her clothes clashed horribly.

The third was that she was clearly a Pirate, as her half of her teeth were rotten, and her face, which once may have been beautiful, was horribly scarred.

The fourth was that she obviously was captain, due to her clothes.

She was dressed in a long white coat with blue trim and gold epaulets, a grass-green skirt, Sky-blue belt, traffic cone orange tights, and Tyrian purple leather boots. At her right side hung a large brass key, and on her left side hung a cutlass - a word which here means a large sword with one edge and a fancy hand guard. Over her left shoulder hung a brown leather bag. In her left hand was a pearl-handled seven-barreled revolver, pointed at Beatrice's head.

"Move in frront," she said. "Marrch to te sip."

As the Baudelaires moved in front of the Pirate, Violet began thinking of a way to escape, as her hair was still tied up. Unfortunately, the Pirate saw the ribbon in Violet's hair and ripped it out, putting it in her coat pocket.

Klaus was thinking of withdrawing his spyglass from his pocket, using it as a club, and fighting the Pirate, but he didn't know anything about fighting with a spyglass. The Pirate then stuck her hand into Klaus' pocket, and before he could do anything, she had removed his Variable Function Device, and put it in her pocket as well.

Violet looked behind her, at the young man lying face up on the ground.

"What about that man on the ground?" She asked. "What are you going to do with him?"

The Pirate looked at Arnold.

"Tat man?" She asked. "Oh, he die anyvay. I soot him last night, he take long time to die. Ven he die, I take his fancy coat."

She eyed the coat hungrily, almost as if _she_ was going to die if she didn't get it.

Arnold didn't reply. Instead, he lifted his head, groaned, opened his hand, and touched the forefinger to the thumb. Then, he groaned again and faked losing consciousness.

The Pirate seemed to swallow the bait, hook, line, and sinker, a phrase which here means fell entirely for this simple trick. She turned to face the Baudelaires.

"You vil now marrch, slowly, to my sip," She announced. "Eef you don't, I vil rrun you troo vit my sworrd. Now, beegin!"

The Baudelaires began to slowly march back down the trail through the trees. Each one immediately began to think of possible ways to escape this new peril. Violet thought of things that she could invent, but as she did not have her ribbon, it was nearly impossible. Klaus began to recall books he had read about Pirates and what they did with their captives but drew a blank. Sunny thought about recipes for poisons, foods that make you fall asleep, and for foods that cause you to be distasteful to sharks. Beatrice was too young to completely understand what was going on, but knew that the woman behind them was very bad and deserved to be hurt.

Immediately, Beatrice knew what she needed to do. She screamed as loud as she could, which was loud enough to cause the captain to drop her gun and cover her ears. Beatrice jumped out of Klaus' arms and clawed the Pirate's face with her tiny but extraordinarily sharp fingernails.

Klaus picked Beatrice up again, the Baudelaires took the advantage and ran for it, hoping to get back to the boat and hide.

They broke through the trees back onto the beach, only to find a dozen more pirates waiting for them, all with tranquilizer darts in their hands.

"Stop, tem, you eembeciles!" Came the voice of the captain from behind them. "Tat eevil baby has loud voice and a sarrp feengerrnails. Ve must knock tem out and cut herr nails and gag herr so se cannot deestrract us ven ve arre having fun. Eef tey do eenterrupt us, tey vil valk te plank."

The pirates kept their darts trained on the Baudelaires, but looked at the captain. One pirate, who seemed to be the first mate, squeezed her left shoulder as if feeling an old scar. Another, who seemed to be the boatswain, rubbed her right temple as if she had a splitting headache.

"Trrow te darrts," ordered the captain.

The last thing the children remembered before they blacked out, was feeling the prick of a needle and losing control of all the muscles in their bodies.

My niece stopped telling the story.

"Uncle Lemony," she whispered. "The man in the tan suit and the woman in the green dress. They've been listening to every word we said." She reached into her shoulder bag and pulled out a pure black spyglass engraved with the initials JS on the grip. She opened it up, rotated several dials, and whispered into my ear "look away."

A flash lit up the bar, there was a loud bang, and my niece grabbed me by the hand and led me out.

"Don't let them catch you!" She screamed. "I'll find you again later!"

I looked behind me, and, sure enough, the man and woman from the bar were chasing me. I opened up a manhole tunnel entrance, dove inside, and locked it behind me. I wondered where I would meet young Beatrice again, and if I even would. But if she had survived half a year on her own, I reasoned, she probably, with a little luck, wouldn't have to walk the plank again.

 **The Finnish accent has been imitated in writing for your increased enjoyment. Please give as much feedback and constructive criticism as possible. Thank you.**

 **HannibalBarca out.**


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

There is an old Pirate song, describing the sailors on a pirate ship. The lyrics, a word which here means words to a piece of music or poetry, go something like this:

 _Fifteen Men on the Dead man's chest,_  
 _Yo, Ho, Ho, and a bottle of rum,_  
 _Drink and the Devil be done for the rest,_  
 _Yo, Ho, Ho, and a bottle of rum!_  
 _The mate was fixed by the bo'sun's pike,_  
 _The Bo'sun brained with a marlinspike,_  
 _A cookey's throat was marked belike,_  
 _It had been gripped by fingers ten,_  
 _And there they lay all good dead men,_  
 _Like break of day in a boozing ken,_  
 _Yo, Ho, Ho, and a bottle of rum._

My niece had sent me the words to this song, along with length of rope, and a Marlinspike stained with blood, in a wooden box labeled **Fragile: Handle with care** , and **L. Snicket** above a name crossed out below, which, I discovered, seemed to have the initials JS.

This was extremely strange, as I had received a letter only three days before, signed with these same initials. I wondered who it could be sending me this message, which consisted of nothing but a half burnt piece of paper that read _Dear Lemony Snicket._ " _Erlkoenig". If "She'll be coming around the Mountain", then "Die Schoene Blaue Donau". JS._

It seemed to be some sort of code based off of musical pieces, but it made no sense. I had never learned a music-based code in VFD, but I supposed that there must have been one at some point, and this JS sent it to me. But who were they?

My brother was dead. Julio Sham was dead. Jerome Squalor thought me dead. Jaquelin Sciezka used DJS, the "D" standing for "Duchess". Grandfather Jacob was dead. And Justice Strauss didn't know how to reach me or my name. So who was it?

I looked at the note my niece had sent me. On the back of the paper with the song, Beatrice had written "meet me in the tunnel beneath the ruins of the Baudelaire Mansion at 2 PM on the day you get this message." I smiled. Everything would turn out alright, and I would get answers.

Everything was not alright. When I reached the ruins, I immediately knew something was wrong. Across the street were two black cars, their windows tinted and rolled up, but I could feel the eyes of the occupants on my taxi as I drove up. I stopped the taxi and drew out my spyglass. There would be a fight here and I would be ready.

Surprisingly, the occupants of the cars did not attempt to ambush me as I left the taxi. I had given no indication that I was armed, but I kept my hand in my jacket pocket gripping the spyglass the entire time, just in case.

I walked through the gate and up the stairs, feeling the same way I had exactly 9 years and 312 days earlier, when I had entered the Mansion after the fire for the first time. I knew not what I would find there but I knew, at least what I hoped would be, however unlikely. No matter how much I hoped that my dear Beatrice would be inside, I knew she was dead. However, I did know that when I met my niece again, she would explain everything.

I walked into the remains of the living room. I bent over the trapdoor, pulled a small crowbar out of my jacket and forced the entry open. I dropped inside the dimly lit passageway and pulled the trapdoor shut, securing it behind me with a narrow metal pole lying on the ground.

"Uncle Lemony?" A girl's voice came from down the passageway. "Is that you?"

I dusted off my jacket and straightened myself. "Yes it is I," I replied. "Now, can you please finish telling me what happened to the Baudelaires?"

Beatrice rounded the corner, in her hand the black spyglass. "Of course. But one thing. Are we alone?"

We began to walk towards the Sub-Library.

"I made sure my pursuers were unable to enter," I responded. "But there are other passageways through the tunnel that they could enter through."

Beatrice thought for a moment. "Then we must go to the Sub-Library," She said. "I know the last two codes to the Vernacularly Fastened Door, but the first I do not know, ans as the Baudelaires are missing they cannot tell me. When is Beatrice Baudelaire's Birthday?"

I thought a moment. "Her birthday was August... August 7th, 1914. If the answer is her birthdate then the answer should be 08-07-14. What are the answers to the other two questions?"

Beatrice opened a commonplace book and flipped to a page. "What is Katherine Denouement's Maiden name - obviously Kit Snicket. What condition does the Svenson family all share - Alexandria's Genesis."

We walked along the tunnel for the next few minutes in relative silence. At one crossroad, Beatrice motioned for me to wait, as she pulled a brass whistle out of her pocket and blew on it. I was able to hear nothing, but after about 30 seconds a bat flew down the hall and landed on her wrist, like a hawk.

Beatrice ignored the strange cargo, and looked at me.

"This is Ajax the Great," she said. "Named for the Greek hero in the Trojan War. He's really strong, just like Ajax, so that's what I named him."

Ajax ignored me, instead climbing to the top of Beatrice's hat and perching there as if standing guard.

We reached the entrance to to Sub-Library. Beatrice carefully knelt and punched in the code on the Vernacularly Fastened Door.

The door swung open with a loud creak. Ajax shuddered. We entered the Sub-Library and shut the door behind us, locking it for safety. I turned to Beatrice.

"So, where were we?" my niece asked. "Oh yes, after the Pirates knocked us out, they bound us and carried us aboard the ship and used us as slave labor. But some really weird stuff started to happen on the ship."

Ajax jumped off of Beatrice's head and flew across the room. He landed on the desk, next to a white and blue porcelain Sugar Bowl. Beatrice's eyes widened.

"Is that..."

"The _Vessel for Disaccharides_?" I responded. "Absolutely. Yes. Of course. Bahror. Si. Ja. The real question is, could you make sure your bat doesn't eat the vaccination for the Medusoid Mycelium?"

Beatrice looked at me with a mischievous grin.

"Ajax doesn't eat anything sugary," she assured me. "He's very well trained. But just so you don't freak out..." she put the Vessel For Disaccharides into her bag.

"As I was saying," she continued. "The night we were taken, the Pirates had some very bad luck. Also, on the island that we had landed on earlier, a young man sat, tapping out a message to his family on a repaired Volunteer Factual Dispatcher."


	5. Chapter 5

This **part takes place on a certain Self-Sustaining-Hot-Air-Mobile-Home about two hours after the Baudelaires were captured and taken aboard the Pirate ship.**

Quigley closed the map he was looking at. He walked over to Hector, and, in order to be heard over the wind, shouted into his ear "There's and Island below us. Maybe we can land and restock on supplies?"

It turned out that the SSHAMH wasn't so self-sustaining with four people aboard, especially in the food department. Although supplies could use a restock and the Home could use a slight repair job, Quigley had ulterior motives, a term which here means he wanted to check out how accurate his map was, and what that stain on the map in the center of the island meant.

Hector pulled a lever, which turned off the burners, which, in turn, cooled the air in the balloons, lowering the SSHAMH gently onto the beach on the island.

The Quagmires disembarked from the basket, following Quigley, who had decided to check out the stain first. They walked through a treeline, past a beached submarine and an empty shoebox, and followed a pair of footprints leading inland. Quigley made his way into a clearing. Sand covered the ground neatly... a little too neatly. It was a perfect square. Quigley bent down, to run his fingers through the sand, and gasped. The sand was densely packed together.

Quigley called to his siblings. "Duncan! Isadora! I think I found something!"

"Supplies?" Asked Hector.

"Even better," Quigley replied. "VFD."

Hector fell into a dead faint, which here means his eyes rolled up into his head and he fell down, not to awake for the next few paragraphs.

Duncan tried to pry open the sandstone covered trapdoor, but it wouldn't budge, a phrase here which means Duncan spent two minutes sweating, tugging and banging on a locked stone door.

"Don't you realize?" Duncan said. "The Baudelaires might be trapped in here!"

"We have to get them out!" said Isadora.

"UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..." groaned a strange voice.

The Quagmire triplets spun around, and found themselves face-to-face with a tall, lean man with abyss-black eyes, wearing an overcoat and carrying a Schism staff in one hand and sunglasses in the other.

"Owwwwwwwwwwww…" he groaned. He looked down and leaned on his staff. He clipped the sunglasses to his coat and pinched at his eyes, dropping two small black disks onto the ground. "Quagmires, you have no idea of how much it hurts to wear colored contact lenses for three weeks straight. Also, your friends aren't in that subterranean chamber."

Hector stood up. He looked around, and, upon seeing this man trebled with rage.

"You!" Hector shouted, his face turning red with rage. "You!"

The man faced Hector, and the Quagmires were able to see his face clearly again. But something was different. Without the contacts, the man's eyes were an unnatural, slightly glowing, Violet Purple.

"Yes," he replied. "Me. Arnold Svenson."

Hector fainted dead away again.

Duncan looked the man in the eyes, even though keeping his focus felt like watching an execution; the sight was too disturbing.

"How do you know who we are?" he asked. "Why are your eyes purple? Why is there a bullet hole in your shoulder? Where did you get that expensive coat from? Also, where are our friends?"

"We," the man replied, as he put on his sunglasses, "Will be in the belly of the beast if we stay here much longer. Your friends, however, are already there. So deep in fact, that it makes breaking into the Kremlin undetected look as easy as picking a lock." He pulled a lockpick out of his coat and picked his teeth.

Arnold pulled a pair of binoculars out of his jacket and looked into the distance. He frowned, took off his coat, and muttered something about not looking if you get sick at the sight of blood. He pulled a mirror from his pants pocket and hung it from a nearby tree, then drew a scalpel from his pocket. He pulled a vial from another pocket and swallowed the contents whole. He took off his shirt, which was covered in brown red stain on the front, and had a massive stain on the left shoulder that looked suspiciously like blood. He made an incision in his left shoulder, upon which the blood began to flow freely. Quickly, he withdrew from his pocket a pair of surgical forceps, and introduced them into the cavity, a word which here mean the area in his shoulder that he cut open. After probing for a few seconds, he retrieved a bullet, which he cast to the ground in disgust. The Quagmires, who, though hated the sight of blood, were transfixed and unable to look away, and so noticed that by the time he had put away his surgical equipment, the bleeding had already stopped, and the blood that had flowed during this surgery had congealed almost immediately. Arnold dipped a handkerchief into the water, wiped the dried blood off of his shoulder, and put his shirt and coat back on.

Quigley noticed a small motorboat being driven at high speed towards the shore. He opened his spyglass and saw two people in the boat, both in black body armor and opaque glass facemasks. Around the eye-area was a VFD eye, etched in and overlaid with gold.

"We got company!" Quigley called. Everyone, including Hector (who by now was awake again), looked towards the sea, where the boat kept coming closer.

Isadora pulled out the spyglass she found in the SSHAMH and studied the occupants.

"Who are these? We must know.

Be you friend or be you foe?" she asked.

"Oh those people? In the boat?" Arnold replied. "Oh, just my brother and a VFD member named Kurt Lavier. Oh, and they might just have some information on the Baudelaires."

"Don't go with them!" Hector shouted. "He's a- He's an..." Hector fainted dead away again.

"You're a what?" Duncan asked. "Why is Hector afraid of you?"

"Oh, me and Hector go way back," Arnold replied. "I'm may have done one or two small things to annoy him, nothing you should be worried about."

"What about the people in the boat?" Isadora inquired.

"Oh, my brother? He's a professional surgeon... and he is stronger than an elephant... and he hates me... also he's really cool."

"And Mr. Lavier?"

"Oh, he's just a huge nerd."

Quigley frowned. "Why does your brother hate you?"

"That... is exactly why I'm in the belly of the beast right now as well." Arnold sighed. "Goodbye Quagmires." And with that, he sprinted away.


	6. Chapter 55

Meanwhile, in Gothic Mansion 385 miles and 43 feet away...

A certain man with a beard but no hair sat across from his wife, who happened to have hair but no beard, discussing ordinary family matters, such as how to kill their most powerful henchman.

The man a beard but no hair tilted his head to the side, with a quizzical look on his face. "What are we to do about Arnold?" he asked.

The woman smiled. "He will get what he deserves," she said. "No doubt he will trade our information for sanctuary, thinking that they will forgive his actions."

The man chuckled. "I know Ishmael's kind. They will be extremely disappointed and will want to have nothing to do with him, especially after the crimes he has committed."

The woman with hair but no beard frowned. "There is always a chance that they will forgive him; they will take him back and he will betray our secrets."

Now the man began to frown as well. "If that is the case, then we must eliminate him," he responded. "He will be the knife in our backs."

"Is that all?" Asked the woman with hair but no beard.

"One more person." said the man. "Snicket."

"Snicket?" the woman was surprised. "Darling, you know he can't do anything. He's on the lam, but he's nowhere near as industrious as those three children with our aqueous comrades."

"Are you sure he's that helpless?" the man had a hint of smugness in his voice. "Are you sure you don't feel any mercy for your old... student instead?

"Mercy? Me?" The woman laughed as she spoke those words. "No, I have never felt any mercy towards that upstart. He always got in the way. He proved me wrong. I would never have any mercy for him. No, I'm merely stating that it is no use to eliminate him now. His search for the children may turn out to be useful. But first... lets destroy an insane asylum."

The man with a beard but no hair pulled a brass-and-wood spyglass from his pocket and studied it. "Pity it isn't Jerry's newest model. Arnold mentioned it in a conversation three nights after I hired him. He said Jerry was working on a new prototype Variable Function Device to replace Gustav's older, outdated model. I hope it's fireproof."

The woman smiled. "Of course you do dearest, and if you find it you will make me a copy. Agreed?"

"Agreed." Stephen-Thomas' marriage contract clearly stated that if an object was found by one of them and the other wanted it, the finder would make or commission a copy for the other. Stephen-Thomas had thought it a good idea his entire marriage, but now, knowing Jerry Svenson, it would be nigh impossible for him to replicate it. Unless... no. That plan would never work. But if he got the chance, (which would also be never) he would pay his wife back in ways she never would've imagined.

As Stephen-Thomas and Sylvia-Theodora Markson pulled on their coats, preparing for yet another arson, they never knew that below them, embedded in the floor, lay an electronic listening device, relaying all of their words to a tall, muscular man on an idling motorcycle four blocks away. The man pulled on his helmet.

"Sir," he said to himself, "I'm on my way to Hell for you. As promised."

The motorcycle sped off, weaving through the traffic twenty miles-per-hour faster than the speed limit, stopping in front of an insane asylum.

The man wiped his sweaty hands on his greasy shirt and overalls. From the storage compartment in the front of the motorcycle he produced a device that remotely resembled a bazooka. He pulled a pair of headphones out of his overalls pocket and put them on. Then, he loaded the weapon and fired it at the second story of the building. A sonic wave smashed through the brick wall and shattered every window in a two block radius. He then unfolded a collapsible ladder that he had also brought in the storage box and climbed up the ladder to perch on the edge of the hole he had blasted in the wall. From his oversized overalls pockets he produced a machete and cut through the rubber padding on where the wall used to be. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, wearing a straitjacket and his mouth gagged, pinstriped suit in tatters, was Jeremiah Solomon Svenson.

Alarms went off in the hallway pf the building.

"Sir," said the man, humbled before his employer.

Jeremy grunted through the gag.

"Oh," said the man, cutting the gag off, followed by the straps of the straitjacket. "How does that feel?" He knelt at Jeremy's feet. "Julian Cordova, at your service."

"Don't bow to me," Jeremy said. He pulled the remains of the straitjacket over his head, tossed it to the ground, and spat on it.

"Yes sir!" The man stood up. "What is your wish sir?"

Jeremy Svenson smiled. "1: you stop calling me sir. 2: we get out of here as fast as possible." He jumped out the window, landing both feet on the ground, followed by Julian. They climbed aboard the motorcycle and sped off towards Boston Harbor.

As the the motorcycle turned the corner away from the insane asylum, a black car with tinted windows turned into the street. The window rolled down three inches, and the tip of the spyglass was inserted into the space. Eighteen seconds later, Iphigenia's Insane Institution was in flames.

 **Sorry if it's not what you were expecting; my team is very busy so this half-chapter was somewhat rushed.**

 **Stay tuned for more.**


	7. Chapter 6

If you think you have misread the number of the previous chaper, "55" then you are very much mistaken. It certainly is chapter fifty-five. Exactly fifty chapters were accidentally deleted, each holding one indirect secret, although tedious, some may be important.

1\. I do not like cheeseburgers.

2\. "No, am not wearing contacts, these are my actual eyes."

3\. "Do you have a licence for that harpoon gun?"

4\. My friends parents were archaeologists.

5\. Nikola Tesla is awe-inspiring.

6\. "What the hell is this drill doing in my Pirate ship?"

7\. "He looks like my mother!"

8\. "Why is that dog smiling?"

9\. "Wait... they survived?"

10\. "You imbecile! The safe is at the bottom of the sea!"

11\. "YOU!!!!"

12\. "Damn, that's alot of radiation."

13\. Esmé and Carmelita's Crow Bar will be opening in three weeks.

14\. "I thought it was an eye."

15\. "Watch where you are pointing that thing!"

16\. "Whoa... Deus Ex Machina!"

17\. Sophistry time. Can you behead something without a head?

18\. "@$%#%!!!"

19\. "'Pinstripes are very in.' Correction. They _were_ in."

20\. "Yes, I like to drink Indigo tea."

21\. "Somewhere over the rainbow, lies a man who I wish to murder."

22\. "I feel... fuzzy."

23\. "Wait... You actually drank the Indigo tea?"

24\. "There is... a house... that I... burnt down... on 90 Prospero Drive."

25\. "Nononononono!!!"

26\. "Ajax just ate the cure..."

27\. "Excuse me Mr, but by any chance, would you sell aqueous martinis?"

28\. "I know it's not polite to assume, so I will ask instead. Are you a man or a woman?"

29\. I wondered if they had kosher hot dogs.

30\. "Hey, my hat is that color!"

31\. The worst song ever written is known as the Säkkijarvi Polkka.

32\. "I thought you were dead!"

33\. "Happy Birthday!!"

34\. The captain raised her pistol and shot Miles in the chest five times.

35\. "Who's riding so late, this windy night?"

36\. "On Kaunina Moistunja Karjalan Maa..."

37\. "What's that buzzing noise?"

38\. "I've heard it so many times, it's coming out of my ears!"

39\. "We're losing him... @#$%! He's dead!"

40\. "The story began on an Archaelogical dig near Petra, but it continues to this day.

41\. "Yeah, and that's how we ended up looking like this and Arnold becoming evil."

42\. "Damn... That's a lot of shoeboxes."

43\. Nobody likes me because I ask all the wrong questions.

44\. "It's a Very Fine Day outside, don't you think?"

45\. The jar was labeled Viscous Clammy Grease.

46\. "Excuse me Ma'am, would you like to taste a red herring?"

47\. "Are we living in GARBAGE?!?!"

48\. "Blasted furnaces of Hell!!"

49\. "Help! It's alive!!"

50\. "Careful!!! The man in the tan suit and the woman in the gren dress!! They just killed --!"

 **I've capitalized on my error, tell me how you like it in the comments!!!**

 **More is in production as you read this!**


	8. Chapter Seven

Arnold looked over his shoulder as he sprinted into the trees. _Damn_ , he thought, spotting Duncan behind him. _My enhanced body can easily perform these evasive maneuvers, but can he? And why did he not go with his siblings?_

Arnold saw the tree he wanted, and checked his steps, timing it so that right before he hit the trunk, he'd run sraight up it.

The run up the tree was extraordinarily loud, aside from that it completely shredded the bark on the tree. From on a branch up above, Arnold Svenson watched his brother and friend chase the triplets.

There was a scream not far off, and Arnold realized that Isadora and Quigley must have been caught by Kurt. Sure enough, several seconds later, Kurt came out of the trees dragging Isadora and Quigley behind him by their wrists.

"Got'em Miles," he chuckled. "Now, where did Arnold and Duncan go?"

Miles didn't reply, instead drawing a harpoon gun and holding it to Isadora's head. Immediatley Duncan came out from behind a tree, his hands on his head.

"There's the other boy," Miles said. "Now for Arnold." He turned to the Quagmires. "Sorry about this kids, but I can't have you running away on me, so I will temporarilly paralyze you."

Miles reached into his bag and drew out 3 hypodermic needles, injecting each of the Quagmires in the neck.

"Arnold!!" Miles voice carried throughout the entire island. "Come out, you backstabber!!"

Arnold lifted his head through the tree cover. "Here I am! Come and get me!"

Miles flexed his muscles. He walked over to the tree Arnold was in and punched it. There was a loud _crack_ as the tree trembled. He raised his hands and punched the treeanother three times. There was a sound like a gunshot, and tree Arnold was in fell as though by axe. As the tree went down, Arnold jumped out of the tree and landed in a crouch, though it was a fall of over thirty feet.

Miles drew his spyglass. "Arnold, you have committed heinous crimes, for which you should have lon ago paid with your life. Either return with us, or die here."

"Then kill me" Arnold said. "And before I die, let me see my brother's face."

Grudgingly, Miles removed his mask, revealing a face to match Arnold's but completely unscarred, complete with a pair of violet purple eyes.

Miles drew his spyglass, and rotated the dials. The handle extended to five feet long, and out of the handle, sprouted an axe head.

Arnold drew the sword out of his staff, and secured it in the staff at the head, giving him a two-foot blade and a three-foot handle for his weapon.

The brothers circled each other, their eyes slowly darkening from Violet to Tyrian Purple in rage.

Miles struck first, charging Arnold and swing his axe viciously. Arnold deflected the blow and coutered with a thrust to Miles' throat. The brothers battled so fast and violently that for a while it was impossible to see what was going on, except that they obviosly were trying to kill each other. Suddenly, there was a gasp of pain, coming from Arnold. He had struck Miles in the chest as hard as he could with both hands on his spear, but Miles must have had an armored lining in his combat gear, which not only stopped the blow, but dislocated Arnold's shoulders as well. Miles capitalized on this moment, dealing Arnold a blow to his temple with the back of his axe. Arnold crumpled to the floor.

Miles turned toward the Quagmires, and they were able to see that Miles was on the verge of tears.

"One doesn't have to kill or capture his brother every day," he said, lifting the unconcious Arnold onto his shoulder. "Follow me and Kurt over here. We're going home."

The Quagmires were too stunned to speak. This man had just kocked out his brother, now he expected them to go with him?

"Wh- what are you going to do with your brother?" Quigley asked.

"I'm giving him a much lighter sentence than he deserves," Miles replied.

Kurt smiled. "If he stays, he lives. He leaves, he dies. Very simple."

"What did he do?" Isadora asked. "I don't think anyone deserves that kind of treatment, especially not your own brother!"

Miles studied her face with those unnatural purple eyes of his. "Miss Quagmire, when did you meet this criminal? Today, no? Well then, I suggest you stay out of defending people that have no positive relationship towards you. What he has done..." Here Miles' voice trailed off and he fell silent.

Kurt checked his watch, then tapped Miles on the shoulder. "If we are to make it on time, I suggest we leave now. Everyone, into the boat!"

"Wait one moment," Kurt dragged Duncan to his feet. "Make _what_ on time?"

Kurt and Miles seemed to have a silent discussion between themselves. Finally Kurt said:

"We were on our way to rescue a few captives. You wouldn't happen to know Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, would you?"

The Quagmire triplets laughed all the way to the boat.

"Know them?" Isadora was laughing so hard she almost fell out of the boat. "We were is school together, almost got killed together, so we made pretty good friends. Will it be a long ride? If so, we have time for a story."


	9. chapter eight

Dear reader.

I am so sorry that you, who will (hopefully) never have to know what it feels like to be locked in a cell on a moving ship with no hope of escape have to read about it. But, as I previously mentioned, it is my solemn duty to record the events of the Baudelaires lives after they were orphaned.

As you probably know, Violet was now 16, Klaus 14, Sunny 3, and Beatrice barely over a year old. Any of these ages can be chosen as the worst age to be locked in a cell on a moving ship, but you can take your pick. Have a few seconds.

Not enough time? Have some more, I'll wait.

Anyway, where we last left the Baudelaires, they were captured by sinister female finnish pirates, on the good ship _Augustus_. They had been tranquilized, carried aboard, and chained to the wall of the cell and shackled to the floor.

The captain of the _Augustus_ was a young girl, not even thirteen, but cold and ruthless. Her name was Akvilina Karjalanen, and she had a slight obsession (read: absolute infatuation) with making prisoners walk the plank.

Captain Karjalanen was born and raised on the _Augus_ _tus_ , and, like most of the rest of the crew, was addicted to Vodka. So addicted, in fact, that when sober they acted drunk and when drunk they acted sober.

The captain also was not only a crack shot while drunk, she could outshoot anyone south of the Karelian peninsula and best all save one person in a duel. On her left hip, she always carried a sword, in her belt she carried a seven round Mosin-Nagant revolver. On her right side, she always carried a handbag, stuffed with full bottles of Vodka.

The Vodka was made of fermented seaweed, making a strong, flavorfull, bitter drink that had an aftertaste of salt. I should know, I have a half-empty bottle on my desk as I write this. Disgusting stuff. What are pirates these days coming to?

Anyway, Violet, as usual, was first of the Baudelaires to awake. She felt some sort of rocking sensation, coupled with pain in her wrists and ankles. She opened her eyes and realized she was alone in some sort of cell, chained to the wal, and wearing a blue prison jumpsuit. _This cell is disgusting_ , thought Violet, _but how the hell did I get here?_ _Why am I chained to the wall in this cell, after all, isn't a cell usually security enough? Where is my ribbon? Why am I on a ship? And why, above all, am I wearing this ugly-as-roadkill jumpsuit?_

Exactly twelve seconds later, a twelve year old girl wearing a captain's uniform, wearing Violet's ribbon in her hair, answered her questions.

The captain focused her soulless gray eyes on Violet Baudelaire, and began to speak.

"You arre currently on te sip _Augustus_. Anee attempt to eescape vil be tvarrteed eemeedeeatlee as you have absolootlee zeero chance of eescaping. Eef you do trry to eescape, you vil be forrced to valk te plank! Terreforr, forr yourr own prrotection, you arre chained to te val and to te floorr. You arre vearring te jumpsuit so you can easily be spotted eef you arre foolis and trry to eescape.

Now, vat verre you doing on te island?"

Violet thought for a moment. "We came to the island because... Because the beach is a major tourist attraction."

"Tourreest attrraction?" The captain was shocked. " Ve have neverr hearrd of such a ting. You lie. Now, I beegin to tink you arre not lost sailorrs. You arre teeves! You have come to steal ourr hard von trreasurre! Now, tell me yourr name, and te names of yourr companions."

Violet thought a moment. _Svenson. The man on the Island was named Svenson. Maybe, if I pretend we are related to him we can trick them..._

"My name is Vera Svenson. My companions are my siblings, Kane, Samantha, and Barbara. We have relatives who would be willing to ransom us." Violet, at least, hoped that Arnold would be able to tell his family about the Baudelaires, who in turn could ransom them.

"Svenson? Hahaha! Eempossible!" The captain rocked with laughter. "Svenson? No Svenson yourr age has blue eyes. No Svenson yourr age vould be caught talking to Arrnold. And most of all, no Svenson yourr age ees a girrl! Now, who arre you rreally?" The captain drew her sword and pointed it at the oldest living Baudelaire. "Eef you don't tell me, I vil rrun you troo vit my sord!"

Violet took a deep breath and thought for a second. "I can't tell you," she said. "Because I am part of a secret organization."

"And vat may I ask," the captain posed, "does tis have to do vit anyting?"

"Because if you kill me," Violet replied, "then you'll never find out about it."

"Prray tell," the captain asked, leaning in closely. "Vat ees te name of tis organization?"

Violet could smell her terrible breath, she was so close to her face. It reeked of alchohol so powerfuly that reminded her of Count Olaf, YM"S. Her teeth were perfectly white, but also filed down to points. Up close Violet could see the many scars on the captain's face that were so skillfuly covered with makeup. Up close, her cruel, gray eyes appeared to be devoid of any humanity. Violet hated herself. She was about to tell her captor the great secret of her life. She wished she didn't have to, but her life, and almost certainly the lives of her siblings, depended on whether or not she could betray the trust of those members who had survived.

The captain nudged the tip of her sword against Violet's throat.

"So, vat ees eet alrredy? I have vork to do! Get on vit eet!"

Violet swallowed. She could already feel the tip starting to tear her skin under the little pressure that the captain was giving. She wished she had never been born. Her life flashed before her eyes as she saw the captain pull back her blade, preparing to deal the coup de grace. She steeled herself, then gave the answer.

"V.F.D."


	10. Chapter nine

There is a word to describe a situation that you very much expect to go one way, but ends up going in a completely opposite direction. That word is irony.

Irony happens when, say, you are watching a proffesional tightrope walker walk the rope. He's done this dozens of times before, so he's had plenty of practice. And suddenly, he takes the next step, and plummets eighty feet to his death. That is ironically sad.

Irony is also when your best friend betrays you and stabs you in the back or throws a poison dart at you. Again, this is ironically sad.

But there is also dramatic irony, such as, in play, the nice old apple seller pulls out a basketball and sells it to some poor, unsuspecting, gullible kid, telling her it is an apple.

And finally, there is depressisng irony, when you think you have told your captor what she wants to hear so that she will free you, but instead she tells you that she already knows that, laughs in your face, and tells you that your siblings just walked the plank.

I'm sorry to say it, but, for young Violet Baudelaire, this had just exactly happened.

The captain looked startled for a second, then began lauging as if she had just been told a joke.

"VFD? Hahaha! You - een VFD? Eempossible! You vould stand a chance against me eef you verre VFD."

Violet was now shocked. She had bet her life on VFD, hoping it woukd save her, but it had failed. The captain was again drawing back the blade, preparing to kill her.

"Wait!" Violet cried. "I can teach you how to work the spyglass. You'll never learn otherwise!"

"You arre eensufferreable!" The captain was practically bursting with annoyance. Then, suddenly, the usually ice-cold, emotionless Akvilina Karjalanen smiled, a true happy smile. "I cannot keep you alive. Eet vould hurrt you too much. Afterr all, I had made yourr siblings valk te plank not morre tan ten minutes ago."

The Captain, once again, drew back her sword, preparing to end the short, painful life of Violet Baudelaire.

 **Five minutes earlier...**

Klaus awoke to the sound of sailors laughing and sails snapping in the wind. He opened his eyes. A girl was standing over him. She looked around twelve years old, and had the scariest smile on her face, like a psychopath right before he guts his victim with a hacksaw.

"Vell, my leetle sleepyhead, how vas your nap?" Her voice was cold, cruel, and filled with contempt. "Vat ees yourr name and who are yourr companions? I am Kapitain Akvilina Karjalanen and I vil drrown you forr te slightest eenfrraction of vat I vil tell you."

Klaus thought quickly. _Fake name. Must give her a fake name, one that I've read in a book somewhere._ Klaus looked the captain in her cold gray eyes. "My name is Karl Lavier. My companions are Vinny, Sally and Brooke."

"Lavierr?" The captain laughed. "No Lavierr vould still be herre eef taken alive. No Lavierr has brrown hairr. AND MOST OF ALL! NO LAVIERR VOULD VEARR GLASSES!"

Klaus reeled in shock. _That book I read on escape artists, they're real? The Lavier triplets are real?_

"Misterr whoeverr you arre, I vould be verry carreful. I vil not tolerrate stupidity aboarrd my sip. you, I have kept alive because my crrew and I... need you. Yourr seeblings... tey arre dead. Tey valked te plank five minutes ago. Eef you arre stupid, you vil valk te plank as vel. Goodbye _._ " With that, she left the cell.

 **Five minutes before that...**

Sunny Baudelaire awoke to the sound of Beatrice screaming. Opening her eyes, she saw that they were hanging in a large birdcage fifty feet above the deck. The upper part of the cage was partitioned off from the lower (where Sunny was) by use of a thick copper lattice. In the top half of the cell was Beatrice.

"Get you down!" Sunny screamed hopefully to Beatrice, as she frantically thought of a way to cut through the bars. She spat out blood. _Where did that come from?_ Sunny realized that she must have bitten her lip or her tongue when she was knocked out. Her teeth! _That's it! I'll chew through the bars! It might take an hour, but I can do it!_

However, when Sunny maneuvered herself into position to chew through the bars, she suddenly felt the cage jolt and understood that she was being lowered.

Upon reaching the ground, The doors to the cage were opened, and Sunny was rudely thrust facedown onto the deck, with a pirate holding her arms behind her. Beatrice was taken out as well and put next to her.

"Tie teir hands," called out a commanding voice. "I vant tem to valk te plank. Ve vil keep te boy, and eef te girrl does not vant to join us, I vil keel herr myself!"

Rough hands tied Sunny's and Beatrice's hands behind their backs. Blindfold were placed over their eyes, and lead weights were tied to their legs.

"Cowards!" Sunny screamed. "Shamed to call you Humans! Will get revenge!"

The captain shouted for a halt. "Se vil not be blindfolded ven te sarks come. CUT HERR!"

A pirate ripped Sunny's blindfold off, and another one sliced both of her arms and cheeks with a rusty knife.

"Trrow te baby overr!"

Two pirates grabbed Beatrice, one her arms and the other her legs, and threw her overboard, Beatrice screaming the entire time.

"And now brrave leetle girrl, DIE!"

The captain grabbed Sunny and tossed her in the air with one hand, and punched her with the other. Sunny flew half a dozen yard over the water and hit the waves with a smack. The last thing she saw before she blacked out was waves crashing over her.


	11. Chapter ten

**Happy Holidays!**

 **Special Passover edition.**

I'm sorry about that.

Those cliff-hangers were irresistible.

Does VIolet Survive? (Spoiler alert - she does this time.)

Does Beatrice Survive? (How would I know this story if she doesn't?)

Does Lemony Snicket survive? (I'll tell you when I'm back safely after the Passover _Seder_ \- I need to check that nothing is poisoned; last year, there was rat poison in my wine!)

Why is Lemony Snicket going to a place called Disaster Island for Passover? (Clues, Beatrice, and the Dead body of a relative.)

Who the hell is - ENOUGH! Stop these questions! There are supposed to only be four!

ANYWAY... on a submarine shaped like a giant octopus...

Captain Widdershins studied the Radar screen. Next to him stood his son and daughter, Fernald and Fiona. "Aye! They dropped 'em now! Full stop! Get ;em!"

The two young sailors snapped to attention. "AYE AYE SIR!" Fernald and Fiona rushed to their stations. Their hands (and hooks) flew as they worked together to bring the ship to a stop and to pick up the pirates victims. Meanwhile, two fashionably dressed young men operated the ships arms to grab the young sharkbaits and carry them aboard. There was a mechanical hiss as the inner airlock opened, dumping an unconscious Sunny and Beatrice Baudelaire onto the floor of the _Queequeg II_.

Julian Cordova gasped at the horrible sight: Both of the girls were deathly pale and Sunny had deep, still-bleeding cuts on her arms and cheeks. He grabbed the children in his arms and rushed them to the sickroom.

"Klym!" He was desperate. The children were hardly breathing and Sunny was bleeding profusely, a word which here means all over Julian's pinstriped suit jacket. "I need stitches for Sunny. Also, check their lungs for water. The pirates tossed them over."

In the sickroom sat a girl of about seventeen, wearing a surgeon's mask, cap, and gown, preparing a painkiller. She looked up when Julian engered the room, and, realizing that Sunny was unconscious, dropped the painkiller on her floor, the glass tube shattering into a dozen plus pieces.

Julian put Sunny on the table and handed Klymenesteria Lavier the surgical thread. "No offense, but I think I'd rather have Miles do this."

Klymenesteria didn't look up from stitching Sunny's bloody face. "You think I'd rather do this myself, than have a professional surgeon do it? You saw how clean he does it - he fixed up Jackie's face so well you can't even tell he was ever attacked in his life. Me? I'd be surprised if Sunny doesn't end up with thick white lines down her face and arms for the rest of her life." She tied the thread off and cut it. "Done. Find them berths."

Julian picked up the girls again and rushed off to find a room for them. As he crossed the hall, he overheard Captain Widdershins and Jeremy Svenson arguing.

"Captain, we have to rescue them," Jeremy said. "If the Pirates kill the Baudelaires, then we cannot retrieve the formula. I lost my notes, and if they kill Violet, I will be unable to rebuild the machine."

"Aye Mr. Svenson, but you built the machine to begin with." Captain Widdershins frowned. "Can you not rebuild it?"

Jerry smiled. "I was still under the influence. For the strength gained is strongest in the first thirty days. Now, years later, the machine is destroyed and the formula is most urgent to win this war."

The Captain looked confused. "But can't you just take the steroid again? After all, that is what made you like this in the first place. If you have a second dose, won't it make you even smarter?"

Jeremy grimaced. "I dare not. I've hidden the MuNu-72-48 somewhere so secure even the man in the steel chamber doesn't know where it is. The defences are so good... The likelyhood is that even I will not survive an attempt to retrieve it. Even if I did get it, you saw what happened to Arnold. We don't want that to happen to me."

Julian walked off, shaken by what he had heard. _How are we going to free the Baudelaires? Why is this formula so important?_

The fourth room was open. He walked inside, put the girls down on one of the beds, covered them with a blanket and left, shutting the door on the way out. He felt a tap on the shoulder and turned around. Standing there was Miles Svenson, dressed in his combat gear. His mask was off, revealing his glowing purple eyes and perfect smile.

"Hello Julian. We're waiting for you in the command room. Arnold is there as well. Be prepared; we're launching a rescue mission."

Miles led the way into the command center of the _Queequeg II_ , his steel tipped boots making loud clicking noises on the floor. Inside the command center, around a large table were nine people: the three Widdershins, the Quagmire triplets, Jerry and Arnold Svenson, and Kurt Lavier. Miles sat down between Jerry and Arnold, across from Fernald Widdershins.

"Everybody, prepare for battle," Miles said. "We attack the ship at nightfall. That is in three and a half hours from now. As soon as Arnold gives the signal, we board. Karl Lavier will stay behind for sixty seconds, then you find the cells and free the Baudelaires. Any questions?"

Arnold gave a sly grin. "I'm so happy that you put so much trust in your little brother."

Quigley and Duncan raised their hands.

"Duncan first." Miles said.

"What are we going to use?" Duncan asked "We have no equipment."

Miles laughed. "Karl is currently estimating your sizes and putting armor and weapons in your rooms. Quigley?"

"What will Arnold's signal be?" Quigley asked.

Ignoring the question, Miles looked around again. "Any more questions?" He asked. "Meeting dismissed. Everyone, be dressed and ready for battle in three hours. And may we all see tomorrow morning."

As Quigley rose from his seat, Arnold stopped him, lowered his sunglasses, and looked him in the eyes with his strange glowing irises. "Shrieks of terror." He grinned.

"Excuse me?" Quigley frowned.

"The signal," Arnold said, his smile widening. "Shrieks of terror."


	12. Chapter eleven

**Back on board the** **_Augustus_** **three hours and twenty nine minutes later.**

 **All quotations surrounded by [ and ] are in Finnish**

On the top deck of the ship, a loud thump broke the silence. Over the loudspeaker, the captains voice crackled, ordering two pirates to check out what was the cause of the offending noise. Two pirates, the first mate and the boatswain, went to check out the noise.

The mate tapped the boatswain on the shoulder. "[Look! A duffel bag! Get your pike! It might be a bomb.]"

The boatswain smiled, showing all her nineteen teeth. "[Already got it. You just can't see it, because it is too dark. I won't stab it, just in case the captain wants to keep it, but I'll cut it open.]" She poked the corner of the bag with the pike, making a hole that she then drove the upper crossbars into the hole. Swiftly she pulled back, ripping the bag open, exposing it's contents. Inside the bag was a body. The body of Arnold Svenson.

The mate laid down her sword and walked over to the body. She looked at the young man, lying peacefully in the remains of the bag, and knelt next to him and felt his neck for a pulse. She smiled, turning to her comrade, and laughed.

"[Captain! It is a dead body!]" The mate was beside herself with joy. Her greatest enemy was finally dead. Suddenly, her blood tuned to ice in terror. The breathless, pulseless body before her opened it's eyes and stood up.

Arnold grabbed the boatswain's spear, and before she could cry out, had ripped it from her hands and driven it through the mate's heart. He pushed the spear away, grabbed the nearest heavy item he could find - a markingspike - and smashed the boatswain's skull. He then grabbed the two lifeless bodies and threw them in the bag. He stitched up the bag quickly, drew out his staff, casually walked to the side of the ship, and tossed the bag in the water.

 **Three minutes later**

A second thump was heard on the top deck. The Captain called for the first mate and the boatswain to check it out, but they did not appear. Fustrated at the incompetence (a word which here describes someone who does not take care of killing a dangerous person and in doing so endanger's her entire crew and several conspiracy theories) of her crew she sent two other pirates to go examine it.

Klaara and Sigrid came over to the top deck."[What is this?]" Klaara muttered to herself. Sigrid cut open the bag with her knife and screamed at the top of her lungs. The two pirates lost consciousness.

There was a splash as a submarine broke the surface. Nine figures in black-and-gold masks, black combat gear, carrying black spyglasses and riot shields, climbed out of the hatch on top of the sub, and boarded the _Augustus_.

The leader tossed Arnold's staff back on deck, then raised his mask. "Power on. Taze all pirates. It won't kill, just knock back and knock out. Let's go!" Miles lowered his mask and twisted the dials on his spyglass until it glowed blue at the tip. The rest of the rescue crew joined him, turning on the tazers on their spyglasses. They formed a line on the front of the ship, shields in front of them, masks in place..

The door to the hold burst open, and pirates began pouring out of it like water. Soon, the entire crew was on deck, cutlasses drawn and muskets lowered.

"Fire!" Captain Karjalanen ordered, and eighty-seven pirates discharged their muskets, point blank, into the rescue unit. The VFD members reeled from the shots, but not a single shot penetrated the shields of the rescue squad. Undismayed, the pirates dropped the guns, drew their swords, and charged.

 **Meanwhile, on the side of the ship...**

A figure dressed in black climbed the side of the ship, using a pair of VT-9 multi-surface picks to pull himself up. He reached a porthole in he side of the ship, smashed the glass window with a pick, and pulled himself inside.

Karl Lavier walked along the hallway of the brig, looking into each cell as he passed. After passing six cells, he finaly saw a face: a teenage girl, her hair covering her face, lying faceup, chained to the floor hand and foot. Karl reached into his secret compartments and pulled out a VT-20-2 lockpick. He inserted it into the lock, turned the key, and pushed the door open. The girl, unable to see, in a desperate tone, called for her visitor to spare her life.

"Give me a second," Karl said. "I'll free you." He placed his thumb and forefinger on another secret compartment, withdrew a bolt cutter, and set to work. Thirty seconds later, Violet was free.

Violet was not only free, she was a mess. Her ugly blue jumpsuit was ripped, which (somehow) made it even uglier. She had no shoes, her hair was matted and everywhere, and her wrists and ankles were rubbed raw by the restraints.

"You look terrible," Karl said cheerfully. "Lets go find your brother." They left the cell and walked quickly down the corridor.

"Who are you?" Violet asked.

"My name is Karl Lavier," Karl replied, turning to face her. "And if you wish to survive, we have to find your brother quickly and get out of here. Every second wasted down here increases the chance that one of your rescue squad will die."


	13. Chapter Twelve

**Continuing from where we left off, back in the hold of the** ** _Augustus_** **.**

Karl and Violet (still in the ugly-as-roadkill jumpsuit) raced through the hallway of the ship, searching every Brig cell for Klaus Baudelaire.

Klymenesteria/Klym was climbing up the side of the ship using her nails. As she climbed over the side, she saw a horrible sight. Miles charged the pirate captain, who drew her revolver and shot him five times in the chest. Miles went down like a felled tree.

Klymenesteria Lavier ran across the deck and jumped down the hold of the ship, no pirates available to stop her. She ran through the corridor of prison chambers until she found Klaus's cell.

Klaus was lying chained to the floor, unconscious, his glasses shattered, wearing an ugly blue jumpsuit. Klym wasted no time, using her enhanced strength to rip the brig door off of it's hinges. Using a bolt cutter, she broke Klaus' bonds and picked him up.

"Karl!" She called, hoping her brother would answer. "Did you find the girl?"

"Yes," a voice called back, barely audible. "Meet you by the captain's cabin! Violet's injured - very severe!"

Klymenesteria Lavier raced off to join her brother, carrying Klaus like a sack of potatoes. Rounding the corner, she saw a staircase leading to the cabins, which she took two at a time. Six seconds later, she was in front of the captain's cabin, looking down at Violet, who was lying in a slowly growing pool of blood starting at her neck. Her face and jumpsuit top were covered in blood as well.

"Is there anything you can do?" Karl asked. "The cut hasn't touched the Cartoid Artery, so if there is anything you can do..."

"I know nothing that can save her," Klymenesteria replied. "Miles might, but he was shot. I don't think that he can do anything. I'll just sew it up and pray it works."

Klymenesteria set to work, using silver sutures to bind the lips of the wound on Violet's neck together. Working feverishly, she managed to close up the hole and sew her neck back up.

"Now, how's everything going upstairs?" Karl and Klymenesteria asked at the same time. The ran up onto the deck, Klymenesteria in front, Karl behind, drawing their spyglasses as they did so.

Arnold was duelling the captain over the bleeding, unconscious body of Miles. Sparks flew and blades clashed, Arnold using his staff and Captain Akvilina Karjalanen with her sword. The Captain grabbed hold of the rope ladder to the crow's nest and began to climb with one arm, fending Arnold off with the other. Arnold followed, stabbing and slashing with his staff.

Arnold clicked the blade back into the staff. "Young lady, I gotta admit, you're even more cowardly than me... which is saying something." Arnold threw the staff onto his back and withdrew the Harpoon Gun. He fired. The captain, quick and agile as a hummingbird, deflected it with her sword, the harpoon embedding itself in the mast, right below the crow's nest.

Arnold grinned. "Works either way," he said, as he pulled a lever in the back of the harpoon gun. A cable attached to the harpoon reeled Arnold up the mast. In a fluid motion, as he passed the captain on the way up, he flipped his staff off of his back and cracked her on the head. Akvilina Karjalanen fell thirty feet and landed in the water with a splash.

From the top of the mast, Arnold dropped down, landing in a crouch. The Quagmires fainted in shock that his eyes were no longer slightly glowing purple... they were painful-to-look-at shining purple.

Everyone conscious cheered - then stopped upon seeing Karl and Klymenesteria looking very nervous.

Karl was first to speak. "I found Violet, and while looking for Klaus, she began bleeding profusely from her neck. In between painful gasps, she told me that she was stabbed in the throat in a way that wouldn't kill her. They had filled it in with some sort of false flesh and when she began to run after me, while looking for Klaus, it reopened and she began bleeding profusely. I didn't realize until she hit the floor as she was so weak."

"I stitched her up," Klymenesteria said, "But I don't know how long that will last. We need an immediate cure."

Jeremy Svenson smiled. "I have one. Show me where she is."

Doubtfully, the two Laviers led the way to the Captain's cabin. On the floor, surrounded by her own blood lay the dying Violet Baudelaire. The stitches had opened, and the cut was wider than before.

Jeremy frowned, then reached into his pocket. He withdrew a syringe, filled with a glowing white liquid.

"I promised never to use this again," He said, "But I have no choice." He plunged the needle into Violet's thigh.

"And now we wait," he said, withdrawing the syringe. "That was the last dose available to humankind. Give it a few minutes."

By now Klaus was awake and standing nervously nearby. He had heard what was going on and had came over to see what could be done.

"It's useless," Klaus said, remembering a book he had once read. "The pool is too large. My sister is..is.." The shock hit him and he fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrolably.

"No it isn't," Jeremy said, looking at his watch. "Look."

Violet's body shuddered, and Klaus forced himself to look. Violet coughed. She rolled over. She sat up and opened her eyes. But they were no longer a sky blue. They were a glowing _violet_ purple.


	14. Chapter thirteen

**On the deck of the** ** _Augustus_** **.**

Arnold looked at Jeremy. So did Karl, Kurt, Klym, the Quagmires (awake again), the Widdershins, Violet, Klaus, and Juilan Cordova. The only sound was the slapping of the waves against the side of the ship.

Arnold broke the silence. "So let me get this straight. You broke the pact we made on never using that infernal substance again before the machine was repaired, in order to save the life of some random sixteen-year-old girl?"

Jeremy laughed. "Not really. You've forgotten that she's your second cousin. Also, I need her alive to repair the machine. And... it's not the MuNu. It's a temporary effect version, lasting for four hours. The real sample is still in the vault in you-know-where."

"Where?" Klaus asked, suddenly suspicious.

"I'll tell you this much," Arnold suppressed a smile. "It's a lot more secure than Mulctuary Money Management."

Everyone laughed - except Miles. He was still unconscious.

Klymenesteria Lavier reached into a secret compartment and pulled out a strange looking knife. She ran the blade across the back of Miles' armor several times until the thick material split, then peeled the armor away from his skin. Using the knife, she made several small incisions in his back, then stuck a pair of forceps (also drawn from a secret compartment) into the incisions and removed something from each: Armor Piercing bullets.

An evil laugh sounded from the top deck. Captain Akvilina Karjalanen was back. She drew her gun and pointed it at Klymenesteria's head.

"Eef you don't geev me tat spyglass, I vill soot you in te head." She said, pointing to the spyglass next to Miles' limp body.

"Give it to her!" Klaus shouted. "She'll kill you!"

"I'd rather get shot." Klymenesteria smiled mysteriously.

The captain squeezed the trigger twice. The Baudelaires and Quagmires screamed in harmony. Klym fell backwards, her head bleeding.

Suddenly, the impossible happened. Klymenesteria Lavier slowly stood up.

Klym lunged forward and jabbed the Captain Akvilina Karjalanen hard in the ribs with her spyglass. There was a sound of bones snapping, and the captain fell to the deck, clutching her side in agony.

Miles, now awake, slowly rose, now without his shirt. He flexed his perfect muscles and raised his fist.

"You have ten sconds," he told the captain, "to leave this ship before I split your skull with my fist. Starting now."

"Ten."

The captain stood stock still, except for her invoulentary breathing and blinking.

"Nine. Eight. Seven"

Beads of sweat began to form on her face. For a girl so young, she was stupidly brave.

"Six. Five. Four."

The captain gave in. She raised her hands.

"Geeve me a lifeboat."

Miles thought a moment, then ripped the security line clear and tossed it away. He lifted one of the boats and dropped it into the water.

He then grabbed the captain under her arms and dropped her over the side.

"Goodbye, Captain, or, as you might say, _Näkemiin_." Miles dropped to the deck, exhausted.

"Ow. What did she shoot me with?" Miles winced as he breathed in.

Klym laughed. "Just Armor Piercing." She spoke as if it was a BB.

Karl frowned. "Lets get back on the sub, and then Miles can do the proper surgery on Violet's neck!"

 **Fifteen minutes later, on board the _Queequeg II_.**

A voice came over the intercom. "Klaus Baudelaire, please go to the hall outside your cabin."

Klaus got off of the berth that Sunny and Beatrice were on and went into the hall.

"Klaus Baudelaire. So nice to meet you." It was one of the purple eyed triplets. He was wearing a pinstriped suit and tie, had a scar on his right cheek, and was fiddling with something in his jacket pocket.

"Yes?" Klaus responded. He had no idea what this person wanted of him.

"I'm Jeremiah Svenson, Arnold's older brother by sixteen minutes. He said to give you this." Out of his pocket he produced a spyglass, with the name _Baudelaire_ carved into the wood of the handle. _His_ spyglass. The one that the Pirate had taken from him.

"Also, your sister wants you to be on hand while Miles stitches her back up. The drug I gave her will wear off soon, so it needs to be done now. Also, she says you should administer the Anaesthesia, because family. If you will, come, follow me."

Klaus followed the man, who made haste toward the sickbay.

Inside the sickbay, on a hospital bed, hooked up to various machines, was Violet Baudelaire. Next to her bed, sitting on a stool with his hands in a scholar's cradle, was Miles, the oldest triplet (seven minutes before Jeremy), his eyes closed, his brow furrowed.

Miles opened his eyes as the pair entered the room. "Violet, your brother is here. Are you ready?"

Violet raised her head slightly and spoke, her voice weak. "Yes. Klaus, I hope this is the only time in my life that I will have to say these words: please knock me out." She leaned back on the headrest and closed her eyes.

"From what I hear Klaus, you have used one of these machines before. It should be elementary enough."

Klaus bent over the Anaesthesizer. He flicked the "ON" button, and an IV tube connected to Violet's left arm began to flow with a clear liquid.

 **Four minutes later**

Miles snipped the last of the surgical thread, then motioned to Klaus to turn off the machine. As Klaus cut the power, the submarine shook violently.

A man's voice crackled over the intercom. "We are being followed by the Bombulating Beast. As per protocol, I am notifiing the crew that I am preparing to divert power to the electric shields around the ship to prevent us from being eaten. Range is 600 meters to five o'Clock."

The lights turned out. Violet woke up and screamed in terror as the sub shook violently again.

"Good old Fernald," Julian muttered, before cursing under his breath.

The intercom crackled again, and a femake voice with a british accent spoke. "We are no longer being followed. We are returning the power to normal. Please be patient."

The lights turned back on. Nobody spoke for a long time, and the sickbay was silent for a long time until the intercom turned on again.

"Aye! Land Ahoy! Aye! We be there in two minutes! Aye! Be ready to disembark! Aye! And don't forget neither Captain Widdershins nor the Queequeg II!"

The _Queequeg II_ rose out of the water onto the dock. The passengers came out of the sub, most feeling excited to be back on land.

My niece suddenly froze. She cocked her head to one side to one side, listening carefully. The sound was coming in through the vents in the celing. The sound of a flute playing a song I knew all too well, and prayed I would never hear played again - the _Erlkönig_ by Franz Schubert.

I looked at Beatrice. "Does that still mean "danger is near"?" I asked, listening to the strains of music.

"Worse." Beatrice said, smashing my hopes. "Danger is _here_."

Ajax hissed and climbed on her head again. Beatrice drew her black metal spyglass and extended it. She reached into her collar and pulled out a small item I couldn't see. She popped the item in her mouth and swallowed. Then she turned towards me, and smiled. As I watched, she began to change before my eyes. She doubled over, retched, spat, and stood up, her eyes no longer green, but a glowing, violet purple.

 **Sorry it took a little long for this chapter, but this book is at a close.**

 **I hope that I will soon be able to release _Book 15: the Specialized School_ , where there is a new VFD school, which the Baudelaires attend.**

 **See you soon!**

 **Stay tuned!**


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